Read the truth here:

1. AT&T on the 809 #
2. Snopes.com on the 809 #

<cruise>It’s… it’s like… I have the power to help. You, you know, help people. I’d like to go on the Internet, have fun and play… but… I can’t do that… maybe if I… (laughing hysterically) change the world… then we can all go on the Internet to have fun and play. We are the experts. (begins counting with fingers) We can cure illness. We can decriminalize the criminals. We can rebuild people. We have the technology… We are Scientologists. We are the Incomprehensible Missive Force. (cue Mission Impossible music)</cruise>

Although the video has been yanked from YouTube, Google, and various other sites repeatedly, it is located here.

Watch for yourself, then try to figure out what the fuck you just watched… If it wasn’t an example of a very, very bad ad libbing session, I don’t know what is.

Don’t pump gas on May 15th
Body: Don’t pump gas on May 15.

In April 1997, there was a “gas out” conducted nationwide in protest of gas prices.
Gasoline prices dropped 30 cents a gallon overnight.

On May 15th 2007, all myspace members are to not go to a gas station in protest of
high gas prices. Gas is now over $3.00 a gallon in most places.

There are 73,000,000+ American members currently on the myspace network, and the
average car takes about 20 to 30 dollars to fill up.

If all myspace members did not go to the pump on the 15th, it would take
$2,200,000,000.00 (that’s BILLION) out of the oil company’s pockets for just one day.

If you agree (which I cant see why you wouldn’t) repost this bulletin repost it with
‘Don’t pump gas on May 15th

As anyone with some form if intellect can painfully see, there is a big-fucking-problem with this logic. Sure, you can do a “strike” for one day, but you still have a car, right? Don’t know if you folks knew this or not, but you car will still need gas — good intentions be damned. ‘Tis be the nature of the beast.

So instead of filling up on May 15th, you fill up the day after, or the day before. Basically, you’re still giving the oil companies your money. They’re still getting their $2.2 billion that they’re supposed to “lose” that day.

See kiddies, they think for the long term. Contrary to popular belief, greed does not equate to stupidity; stupid people are greedy, or greed may be the impetus for stupidity, but greed isn’t stupid. See, they know you have a car, and that you must fill your car with gas. (More refined countries call it “petrol”, by the way.) Catch-22. They win, even if they have to placate the generally idiotic public by dropping the gas .30 cents.

Instead, the smarter thing to do would be to ride bikes, walk, car pool, or even budget your trips. For instance, make a list of things you need to get, and shop at one place. Bargain hunting these days is mostly through the internet anyway, and you end up spending more money (and time!) running around trying to price match and “get the best deal”.

So go ahead and don’t go to the gas station on May 15th… Just go on May 14th… or May 16th… Or any other day other than May 15th.

At the end of the day, you still haven’t solved the problem of dependence on foreign oil. Solve that, and the gas prices will address themselves.

It starts with a manager coming up to me and commenting on what a rabid customer was screaming about last night. The rather customer made the claim that the horror DVD section should be moved from the aisle containing the Disney DVDs, because children shouldn’t be subjected to horror. (The customer was apparently incoherent and rambling; the epitome of someone who should have been neutered prior to any sexual intercourse.)
Now understand that on one side of the aisle, the Disney section is to the extreme left of the row, while the horror section is to the extreme right. With 12 4-foot sections in this side, the Disney DVDs take up two sections, with the horror (on that side) taking only 1 4-footer. This leaves, oh, 9 sections (totalling some 36 feet) separating the two. Just for good measure, let me draw this out for the folks paying attention. After Disney, this is the breakdown of what is between Disney and the oh-so-dreaded horror:

1. 1 section of Nickelodeon videos.
2. 1 section of young children’s movies.
3. 2 sections of family movies, which “Over The Hedge”, “Open Season”, and “Ice Age” are a part.
4. 3 sections of Anime, which is not that kid friendly either.
5. 2 sections of science fiction movies.

If this were not the case, I would understand the parent’s concern. (Although I won’t cover how the parent presented his concern, because the way he did it isn’t something to hold up as an example of maturity.)

So to add salt to my brain hemorrhaging, as it were, the manager who brought this to my attention asks me to send an e-mail to the “media bus”. (The media bus is where media employees in the field go to ask for help when a problem is encountered on the battlefield that none of the imbeciles in upper management is able to answer, either consistently or at all. Sadly, this is only a theory since media bus is hardly helpful and doesn’t respond to queries in a timely manner; the lowest response time I’ve ever received from them is roughly 72 hours.) He asks me to ask them whether or not we can move the section, which I know we can’t because the DVDs are in a certain order, or what we refer to as a “flow”. This makes each Worst Buy consistent, since (in the bloodshot-eyed-world of Best Buy corporate) a customer should be able to enter a Best Buy and be able to gain the same experience, regardless of region. My thoughts on that are for another entry, but anyway I wasted 15 minutes trying to write the e-mail.

Yes, I wasted 15 minutes on composing a one paragraph e-mail essentially asking “Can I move the horror section because it is in the same aisle as the family-oriented DVDs and one dim-witted, incoherent mentally deficient cunt had a hissy over it being in the same aisle?” The reason for which is because of how I worded the letter, so that I personally don’t look stupid to the monkey reading the e-mail at the other end…

But then again, I guess I’m assuming good faith in my assumption that the monkey can identify stupidity when it sees it.

Either way, I’m morbidly interested in seeing how this all plays out.

It reminds me of the time when a Best Buy employee asked where the 1 year Xbox Live cards were and then, in the same breath, commented that all he saw were the 12 month cards, the 3 month cards, and the one month card.

Perhaps abortion should be legalized after all.

That’s right. Someone copied (some) of my MySpace page.  It’s not really all that creative, and it’s pretty asinine since the only thing that was done, in an attempt to slander, was “I like jacking off to porn all day long”. (I’ll be the first to point out that I’ve already tried this and it’s not good for the hand or for the organ in question. For Christ’s fucking sake, I don’t care to murder the kittens! PETA would be on my ass in a minute. Shit.)
Quite witty, this queen of wit. Apparently last login for Captain Intellect was 12/11/2006.

So I sent “Joe” the following message:

Must say, you have very sexy profile. Very sexy picture.

Now you must excuse. Must make sexy time with the hand.

High five!

Here’s the link.

Note: You’ll have to turn off the page style, since it won’t show up otherwise. If you have Firefox, simply select “View”, then “Page Style”, then “No Style” to see the thing.

The following quote sums up my feelings on Christmas (or any holiday that has been raped and hollowed out for the sake of making a quick buck) more eloquently and ferociously than anything I could come up with:

Christmas is an awfulness that compares favorably with the great London plague and fire of 1665-66. No one escapes the feelings of mortal dejection, inadequacy, frustration, loneliness, guilt and pity. No one escapes feeling used by society, by religion, by friends and relatives, by the utterly artifical responsiblities of extending false greetings, sending banal cards, reciprocating unsolicited gifts, going to dull parties, putting up with acquaintances and family one avoids all the rest of the year…in short, of being brutalized by a ‘holiday’ that has lost virtually all of its original meanings and has become a merchandising ploy for color tv set manufacturers and ravagers of the woodlands.

— Harlan Ellison, “No Offense Intended, But Fuck Xmas!” (1972) The Harlan Ellison Hornbook

I make no apologies for my firm beliefs in this matter. After experiencing the atrocities wrought by so-called human beings out to placate their spoiled progeny with vapid toys and intellectual devoid time wasters, Christmas has been perverted from a childhood joy into a steaming pile of fecal matter.

Or perhaps it was always like this, and my brain just finally realized this idiocy.

However, I was in the midst of helping a customer, so that wouldn’t have been such a wise move.

Bear in mind that this is the weekend and I am starting to feel the onslaught of the holiday season.

So when I went home I simply unplugged the power cord and replugged the cord; it suddenly worked again. Something that took five seconds to fix resulted in a nearly three minute, one-way bitch-session.

The reason I bring this up is because this kind of thing reminds me why I don’t fix people’s computers any more. I don’t care to hold people’s hands when it comes to this sort of shit. Also, what spurred this entry was the fact that I’m going through and cleaning out the hard drive of my Powerbook, and came across this document. It’s a mockery of the “lifestyle sheets” used in some Best Buy locations — though I haven’t actually seen one, since my location never used such a thing, and I find such a thing idiotic beyond my ability to eloquently comment. Apparently, the “lifestyle sheet” is a cheatsheet for sales people who can’t actually sell.

It’s really rather funny, and I’ve uploaded it for your review, since it primarily deals with selling computers and what the Worst Buy people view as “non negotiables”. I don’t know exactly where I got this from, but I believe it was a LiveJournal user who used to work for BBY.

Anyway, I needed to vent because that pissed me off greatly. I was ready to yell, scream and pontificate in a vulgar matter at the morning meeting, prior to opening the store. Fortunately, someone else broached the issue, but I’ll hear about this shit from my discipline manager again on Tuesday when I go into work. And I was really looking forward to going back to work too.

Ah, well, reality check. Dee dee dee.

So here’s what I am going to do:

If I catch the fucktwit who is stealing from my domain, I will fuck you up so badly that you won’t even realize you’ve been fucked up. I imagine golf clubs covered with blood and your ability to procreate damaged beyond repair — we don’t need your kind contaminating the world, after all — however, sadly, that’s only in my imagination. Instead I’ll leave that to the inmates when your ass gets arrested and sodomized by your fellow scum of the earth; nothing like honor amongst thieves after all.

What I will do to facilitate this: I will be there to publicly humiliate your ass with my camera. I will take pictures of you and your accomplices being escorted out of the fucking building. If the police are pussy-shit and let you go with a slap on the wrist, I will humiliate you in the court of public opinion. Call it a public execution, if you will, because that’s what it’ll be. I will post a page on my website with your picture and what you stole.

Nothing like humiliation to correct deviant behavior.

Hence the reason why I ask that anyone in retail (or anyone seeing theft occur), to take a picture of the thieves and publicly humiliate them vis a vis the Internet. Expose them to the light, because if we leave them to fester in the darkness, then this shit will only go out of control.

So, the ultimate question is, how much is your pride and dignity worth to you? $150? $13? $1?

The sad part about it was that this mother had a child with her, and apparently some male companion. That’s the part that saddens me. I was almost tempted to pull out my SLVR and snap a picture of this cunt.

For posterity and for humiliation. (I was seriously thinking of creating what would be a cross between “The Letterman List” and the “FBI’s 10 Most Wanted” thing to post here. Not that I believe anyone would read such a thing, but public flogging and humiliation has its uses.)

But then I saw the child. Crying. The man — who I assume was the child’s father — was there too, trying to console the little kid. I would say she was between 6 to 9 years of age, roughly 3 to 4 ft.

And that pissed me off more than anything. So I didn’t take the fucking picture.

Think about it, though… How does a kid respect their parent if said parent spits in the face of law and common decency? Really? How?

And that’s emblematic of what’s wrong with this FUBARed country, the lack of parenting.

Speaking of which, what the fuck is with the shoes with the rollers? What? You let your kids buy those things? It’s bad enough that there’s an obesity problem and a problem with apathetic lethargy in this country… what, now you want to encourage it? Don’t bother blaming the shoe manufacturers either. They’re just making this shit because you consume it; remember “supply and demand”?

And then you fuckin’ parents will sue the shoe maufacturer. The lawsuit will not be because of their product, but because you were incompetent and didn’t have the backbone to say “No” to your goddamned kid — a fuckhead that you unfortunately created who wanted to be on the “in crowd” and be a cookie-cutter person like every jabroni in the Western world. Just remember when your fuckup splits their head open after they lost their balance, you are ultimately responsible for the consequences — not the company. So say we all.

Now the problem with having fortune cookies as a snack is that my brain is programmed to believe that fortune cookies should be devoured only after eating a Chinese meal.

But I had one anyway. And it pissed me off.

You see, in a normal Chinese fortune cookie, you have a slip of paper with a fortune. The fortune is typically written in a serif font, not sans-serif. It is usually written in red and, on the back, you may find lotto numbers and a Chinese word (with the appropriate Chinese spelling and punctuation for said word).

On this fucking excuse for a fortune cookie, it has a shitty fortune. That’s it.

Here’s the kicker that really did it: the wrapper has nutritional facts! Why the hell would I want to know the nutritional value of a fortune cookie?

Next thing you know, there’ll be a warning message on the fortune cookie that reads “Paper included on inside of cookie. Remove paper before eating.”

Well, why bother ranting about it… It’s not like there are signs that inform you that your coffee may be hot.